Category: Sick Jokes

Q. What is worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. “Being fingered by Captain Hook.”

Category: Male Jokes

Reasons why Cookie Dough Is Better Than A Man!
*It's enjoyable hard or soft.
*It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
*You always want to swallow.
*It won't complain if you share it with friends.
*It's "quick and convenient."
*You can enjoy it more than once.
*It comes already protectively wrapped.
*You can make it as large as you want.
*If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
*It's easier to get the kind you want.
*You can comparison shop.
*It's easier to find in a grocery store.
*You can put it away when you've had enough.
*You know yours has never been eaten before.
*It won't complain if you chew on it.
*You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
*It's always ready to go.
*You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
*You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
*It won't wake you up because it's hard.
*You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
*You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
*It won't take up room in your bed.
*It's easy to pick up.
*It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
*It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

Category: Work Jokes

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'

Category: Bar & Drinking Jokes

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

Category: Work Jokes

I love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location; I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software; I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file. I’d love them more if they worked a while. I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.

I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am. I love this work, I love these chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.

Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

Category: Yo Momma Jokes

You momma so smelly, she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban get off strike!

Category: Rude Jokes

At the produce section of the local market, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The young attendant said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he
walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there that wants
to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying
this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so
he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight homely women and hockey
players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What position did she play?"