Thanksgiving Jokes
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Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed holiday pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right -- all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
Why did the Thanksgiving chef cook with a condom?
To practice safe stuffin'.
Things that you can say ONLY at Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
Other Ways To Use the Thanksgiving Turkey
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.
An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.
If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
Makes a great doggie chew toy.
Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"
Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.
Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.
Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl!
Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"
Two words: Turkey puppet.
Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's
Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!
As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.