Golf Jokes
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Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! She was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Dave yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DONíT SWING!!!"
A Jewish, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "Thatís nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!"
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior "Well, I
was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go
over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway
and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel
ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again. "Well, no." says
the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of
the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior. "No, not yet. As
the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and
the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No,
because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto
the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and
said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!Ē
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long itís been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"