Two French paratroopers are sitting in a cafe for breakfast when one says to the other, “I have had a terrible morning at about 3:00 in the morning zis big 'airy man comes up to me and tells me if I want to join ze army I need to follow 'im. So off I go to a plank raised 10 feet from ze ground and he tells me to jump."
"So did you jump," the other French man said.
"Of course not, I told him I’m a French paratrooper it is below my dignity to jump 10 feet. So he took me to another platform, 50 feet from ze ground and told me to jump."
"And did you jump," the other French man said.
"Of course not, I told him I'm a French paratrooper, it was below my dignity to jump 50 feet. So he took me to zis platform 200 feet from ze ground, pulled down his trousers and took out zis big 'airy willy and told me if I didn't jump he would stick it up my ass.
" So did you jump," the other French man said.
" A little bit at first."
Brief Background: Malta & Gozo are two small sister islands in the middle of the Mediterranean. Due to geographical and historic reasons Maltese and Gozitans are notorious traders, particularly the Gozitans, the running joke is that at times they might be a little greedy.
Joke: A Maltese and a Gozitan guy met in Paris. The Maltese tells the Gozitan, "you know, I have been eating in the most expensive restaurants in town for almost a week and it hasn't cost me a dime." With great excitement the Gozitan says "really, how's that?" The Maltese says "well. I go to the restaurant, I order the best Wine they have, a starter, the main course, a lavish desert and a second bottle of wine, and then I take the coffee. By the time I'm done the restaurant is about to close, I then stay there sipping the coffee till all the waiters but the Head Waiter have left. When I'm done and the Head Waiter brings the bill, I tell him that I already paid the waiter who left. At which point the Head Waiter will politely excuse himself and leave.
At this point the Gozitan says, "OK, we will go together tonight". So they did and it was a pig out, they ordered four bottles of $200 wine, cheeses, deserts and so on. By the time they finished, there was only the Head Waiter there, so he presented the bill. The Maltese guy said, "Oh no sir we already paid the waiter tending to our table. The Headwaiter embarrassed excused himself, at which point the Gozitan says "Yeah! Yeah!! And he left without giving us the change!!!"
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back."