McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar
was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "What was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a
jar of olives!"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the
terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the
brothel across the street. They see a Baptist minister walk into
the brothel, and one of them says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of
the cloth goin' bad."
Then they see a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman
says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen says, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
A lady on a train from Aberdeen to Glasgow was frowning over a clue in her travel crossword. The gentleman sitting opposite noticed this and volunteered to assist her. “Well" said she, “The answer is a four lettered word -ending in "t"-and the clue is "Often found on roads, and Members of the Scottish Parliament are full of it" "Oh that will be GRIT!" said the gent. "AH, I see," replied the lady "Could you lend me an eraser please???"
How can one *not* love Irish men after so much honesty? From a 'personals' section from a Dublin newspaper:
Heavy drinker - 35 Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football
Club and has been known to starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long
time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still
exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a born troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and thirsty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for
bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde
lady, with a lovely chest.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks
alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
You must be bilingual to understand this joke.
Un Cubano recien llegado a los Estados Unidos le contaba a su amigo que tenia muchos males pero no podia ir con el doctor porque no sabia hablar Ingles. Y el amigo se ofrece ser el traductor.
El Doctor por medio del traductor le pregunta, "que es lo que le duele?
Juan: "Me duelen las muñecas "
El amigo lo traduce: "His dolls ache."
El doctor se sorprende pero no dice nada y pregunta What else?
Juan dice "Tengo dolores an la cienes" (A los lados de la cabeza)
El amigo lo traduce: "His one hundreds ache."
El doctor queda mas sorprendido y pregunta una ves mas What else?
Juan dice: "La paleta a la izquierda me duele mucho"
El amigo lo traduce: "His left popsicle hurts him very much"
The doctor says" Tell him he is mentally retarded"
El amigo le dice a Juan:
"El doctor dice que uses Mentolato en la tarde"