A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go f### yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
Can I help you?" the madam asked.
I want Natalie," the old man replied.
Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
Yes; I know, said the old man. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?” he ask.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."