"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it down the tracks. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it; the court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. “Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.” Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.” “How’s that?” he lawyer asked. “I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!