A blind rabbit and blind snake bump into each other in the forest, the rabbit says "excuse me I'm blind", the snake replies, "that's ok so am I, hey lets rub up against each other so we know what we are", reluctantly the rabbit agreed, thinking to himself this guy could be anything. The snake coiled around the rabbit, felt his long ears and bushy tail, and said " hey you're a rabbit", it was then the rabbits turn, he felt the snake's fang's, ran down the snake's entire body til it got to the snake's rattler, the rabbit jumped back quickly and hopped through the woods frantically screaming "HE'S A LAWYER, HE'S A LAWYER!"
A prominent young lawyer died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honor. St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1026 years."
"What are you talking about?" asked the lawyer. "I'm 46."
"46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn"
"Yes," the lawyer answered.
"Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
Q: Why won't a shark eat a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.