A lonely woman buys a parrot from a pet shop to keep her company. She puts the bird in its cage and converses with it daily in the hope it will hold up its end of the conversation. The bird doesn't speak. Although disappointed, the woman keeps trying. One day, her old friend, a priest, stops to visit. The woman welcomes the priest in her home and introduces him to her parrot. The parrot takes one look at the priest and says "You goddamned, mother-fucking son of a bitch!" Horrified, the woman takes the bird back to the pet shop and complains.
"I've had this bird for months!" she wails "And it never speaks. I have my first visitor--my old friend the priest--and it swears!"
"Relax," says the pet shop owner. "It happens all the time. You see, men always catch parrots. They throw jackets over the birds' head; maybe even give it a few taps to keep it quiet. So you see why the bird swears at men?"
"Yes but what can I do?"
"That's easy," said the shop owner. "You got to punish it. The next time it swears, reach inside the cage, grab a hold of its legs and swing it over your head. Cures the swearing."
Doubtful, the woman returns home. And the bird still doesn't speak. Months pass. Then her old friend, the priest, stops by. The parrot takes one look at the priest and says: "You goddamned, mother-fucking son of a bitch!"
The woman reaches inside the cage, grabs a hold of the bird--just like the pet shop owner says--and swings it over her head.
The parrot says: "WooooooooooooWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Feel the fucking breeze!"
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat. Little Sally says what does in heat mean? Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home. When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy? Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Gee Whiz, all I can smell is... MOLASSES!
Q. Why does a squirrel swim on his back?
A. To keep his nuts dry.