A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
There is a family of storks: A mommy stork, a daddy stork, and a baby stork. One day, daddy didn't come home for dinner. Mommy and baby were very worried. When dad came home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing.
"I was making a young couple very happy," he replied.
About a week later, mommy didn't come home for dinner. Daddy and baby were very worried. When mom came home late the next morning, they asked what she was doing.
"I was making a young couple very happy," she replied.
A few days later, baby didn't come home for dinner. Mom and dad were very worried. When he came home very late the next morning, they asked him where he was.
Baby just grinned and said, "I've been scaring the shit out of college students!"
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"
A magical frog is walking through the forest; he comes upon a bear and a rabbit. He says, 'since you are the first creatures I have seen, I will grant you each three wishes.
The bear goes first and says, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest.'
The rabbit says, 'I wish for a helmet.'
Poof they got their wish.
For the bearís second wish, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country.'
The rabbit says, 'I wish for a motorcycle.'
Poof they got their wish.
For the bear's last wish, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole world.'
The rabbit makes his last wish by saying 'I wish the bear was gay'
Then he strapped on his helmet got on the motorcycle and rode away.