Military Jokes
1 2 3 4 5
An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery jumped into their conversation. The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the U.S. sailors were the bravest of our fighting men.
Well, the three bickered back and forth for some time and finally agreed that they should put their men to the test, which they would personally monitor.
First they went to the airbase where they boarded a bomber that was scheduled to make some practice bombing runs. They were about to come over the target when the Air Force general walked up to one of the crew and said: "airman, I want you to ride that bomb down right to the dead center of that target." Without hesitation, the airman saluted the general, climbed aboard the bomb, released the holding mechanism and rode the bomb right to the dead center of the target and was blown all to hell. The Air Force general looked at his friends and said: "that's bravery."
Their next stop was the Army camp where they were holding maneuvers to practice heavy armor tactics. The Army general walks up to one of his men and said, while pointing to a tank speeding toward them, "Private stop that tank." The Soldier ran toward the tank waving his arms and yelling "STOP, STOP" and was flattened flatter than a pancake. The Army man looked at his friends and said: "that's bravery".
Well, the three adjourned for a quick drink and proceeded to the Admiral's flagship and went all the way up to the Admiral's bridge. When they had arrived on the bridge the three looked up and saw a man painting the mast way above them. The Admiral yelled out: "Hey, you there aloft." The seaman painting the mast looked down, saluted and replied: "Yes sir". The Admiral yelled up: "Jump off that mast sailor"! The sailor, without any hesitation, flipped the Admiral the bird and said, "Fuck you sir". The Admiral turned to his cronies and said: "Now that, gentlemen, is fucking bravery".
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The serge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!" "Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
An American submarine was patrolling the water border when a radio when off the crew fixed it and waited for the transmission to come back when it did the crew heard "This is the Canadians Change your course to avoid collision" The Americans replied "No, You change your course to avoid collision!" the Canadians reply "No, you don't-" and were cut off by the Americans who said "We are armed with torpedoes nukes and destroyers YOU change your course" then there was silence the Canadians replied "This is the Canadian Lighthouse It's Your Call!"
Two old sailors were talking after being out at sea for 3 months. One said, "When I get to shore I am going to have a super sauna, hot shower and then find a loose woman". The other said, "Well, good luck to you mate." Later on shore, this old sailor found his loose woman and takes her to his hotel room. Then does what an old sailor would do in those circumstances. After while he says to her, "Well, how am I doing?". She replied, "About 3 knots." "What do mean by that?” the old sailor replied.
She said, " 1. You're not hard, 2. You're not in and 3, You’re not getting your money back."