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[20] Military Jokes

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SpicyJokes.com # 20017
Thanks to: Anonymous
rec.:9/27/2005    pub.:1/13/2006    Sent:9/10/2006
Ranking: 3.43 / 7
 
OR

The chiefs of staff for the 4 branches of the service were sitting around drinking brandy, smoking cigars, and bragging to each other. The Marine general spoke up and said "marine privates have the most guts, watch this." He yells, "Private," and a man comes running up. "Sir, yes Sir." "I want you to go out there and catch this mortar I am launching.... with that the private ran out into the field and caught the mortar, and blew up. The Army general spoke up "that’s pretty impressive but watch this." "Private, front and center." "Yes Sir," yelled the private. "I want you to go out to that mine field and do cartwheels," the general said; and with that the private did cartwheels and blew-up. The Navy admiral stood up and said "pretty impressive but watch this." "Seaman, report to the hard deck." "Aye, aye sir," the seaman said. "I want you to jump into the ocean and stop that aircraft carrier for leaving dock." So the seaman jumped into the water and tried to grab the blades and was cut to peaces. Now the Air Force general seeing all of this smiles and speaks up "pretty impressive, pretty impressive, now if you wanna see an Airman with some real balls watch this." "Airman, come here." This Airman comes walking up with is hands in his pockets and says "Yeah?" "Airman I want you to run out there and stop that F-16 from taking off." The airman turns to look at the plane and back at the general. "Sir if you want that plane stopped, do it your damn self." then turns and walks away. Upon this, the Air Force general stands up and says, well now that takes some real balls

 

SpicyJokes.com # 22290
Thanks to: John - Guildford - United Kingdom
rec.:8/9/2009    pub.:8/12/2009
Ranking: 3.80 / 5
 
OR

After the Falklands war a fund was raise for injured vets. The fund was put in the hands of a Government Official who had to decide how to pay it out. He decided to measure the claimant’s anywhere they wanted and pay out £100 an inch.
The first claimant was an Irish Guardsman. What do you want measured? The Gov. Official asked. My height, I am 6 foot 6 inches said the guardsman. That’s a total of 78 inches so it’s a payout of £7800." Next please. The next was a Royal Marine; he was built like an ape. What do you want measured? My arm span; his arm span was 6 foot 3 inches, that’s 75inches so it’s a payout of £7500. The next guy was a 5foot Scott Paratrooper. Do you want to stand on a box Jock? No he replied I do not want to cheat, I want to be measured from the end of my penis to my balls! But that will not be very long! It’s what I want measure! Insisted Jock, He lifted his kilt and the Gov official put the tape to the end of his penis. Hang on I can’t find your balls! You won't, said Jock. "They are hanging on a barbed wire fence at Port Stanley’s.

 

SpicyJokes.com # 20439
Thanks to: JWD - Sudan
rec.:2/15/2006    pub.:2/16/2006
Ranking: 3.33 / 6
 
OR

At the US War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"
"Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will," answers the General.
"And who will be our enemy, General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is attentive, and finally one officer asks,
"But General, we are 300 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
Well," replies the General, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.
For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Israelites have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Israelites have been victorious every time"
"But sir, "asks the inquisitive officer, "Do we have enough Israelites?

 

SpicyJokes.com # 22762
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:4/20/2011    pub.:4/20/2011    Sent:5/3/2011
Ranking: 4.00 / 4
 
OR

During camouflage training in Kentucky, a private, disguised as a tree trunk, makes a sudden move and is spotted by a visiting general.
‘You!’ the officer barks. ‘Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?
‘Yes sir,’ the solder answers apologetically. ‘But, if I may say so, sir, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say, “Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter,” well that did it.’

 

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