Q. What did the wind say to the coconut tree?
A: "Hold your nuts, Im gonna blow"
A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a
popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he
should go home.
Man: My wife will kill me.
Bartender: Take her some candy.
Man: She is on a diet.
Bartender: Take her some flowers.
Man: She has allergies.
Bartender: Tell her a poem.
Man: She loves poems ... I don't know any.
Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recited.
YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH...
BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS...
BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE.
Man: I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to himself
the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he
knocks on the door.
Wife: You better not of been drinking.
Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!
Wife: It had better be good
The man starts to recite the poem...
YOU BABYLONIAN BITCH…
BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS…
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that now that he is graduating from school he would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike.
Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad standing near by says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!!!"