A young boy was walking down the road one day carrying an armload of duct tape and passed an old man on his front porch.
The old man asked the boy "where the hell are you going with all that duct tape boy?
The boy replied, "I'm going to catch me some ducks!"
"You a'int catching nothing' with duct tape boy!" the old man exclaimed as the boy passed.
About a half hour later the boy comes walking back passed with an armload of ducks and just peers at the old man.
The next day the little boy is walking past the old man with an arm load of chicken wire, and the old man asks "Where you going with that chicken wire boy?”
"I'm going to catch me some chickens!" the boy replied.
The old man screams as he passes "You a'int catching no chickens with that wire boy!"
About a half hour later the boy passes back by the old man again with a catch, an armload of chickens.
So the next day the little boy comes walking past the old man with an armload of pussy willow and the old man yells, "Wait boy! I'll get my coat!"
The Herbert’s were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Herbert kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Herbert cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too. You can really spread out!"
Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."
Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time."
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."
Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my!"
Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife - "She was difficult?"
Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (Eyes wide in amazement).
Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your ....equipment?"
Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
Wife - "Tripod?"
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? Good heavens, she's fainted!"
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.
I stopped by a friends house Saturday and saw him standing holding a fly swatter. I asked him if he killed any flies yet,
He said " Yes, I killed 3 male flies and 2 female flies."
I asked, " How can you tell if they were male or female flies?"
He said, " 3 flies were on a beer can and 2 flies were on the phone."