On a Sunday school class, children were studying the early life of Jesus and were asked to draw a picture of their idea of his family’s flight into Egypt. The teacher was going around the room and saw that one boy had drawn a picture of an airplane, and she noticed that it had four people in it. She said to the small artist, “that’s interesting. I see you have Joseph, and Mary, and that cute little person must be baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh,” said the boy, “that’s Pontius the pilot.”
One day, there were five nuns riding their bikes to the convent.
Two of the nuns in the back could not keep quite. They kept giggling.
Finally the head nun stopped her bike and said,’ If you two don't stop giggling I will put your seats back on.'
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
An old couple died in a car crash and go to heaven. They had been in good health their entire lives due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and took them to their mansion.
As they looked everything over, the old man asked Peter how much the place was going to cost. "Everything's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Peter then took the couple out to see the championship golf course that bordered the home and explained that the course changed to a new one each week representing the great golf courses on earth. The man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter replied, "This is heaven, so you play for free."
Peter then took them to the club house and showed them the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How expensive is the menu?" asked the man. "You mean you don't understand yet? Peter replied with some exasperation. This is heaven, it is free." "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter patiently explained, "That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat, stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"