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[36] Work Jokes

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Site Search WebSearch
SpicyJokes.com # 19668
Thanks to: Anonymous
rec.:6/28/2005    pub.:6/28/2005    Sent:7/22/2005
Ranking: 3.33 / 15
 
OR

Work vs. Prison
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.

 

SpicyJokes.com # 2674
Thanks to: Cassie - Doylestown - Pennsylvania - USA.
rec.:10/16/2001    pub.:2/10/2003
Ranking: 3.06 / 17
 
OR

01. I can see your point, but youíre still full of crap.
02. I donít know what your problem is, but Iíll bet itís hard to pronounce.
03. I see youíve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. Iíll try being nicer if youíll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. Iím already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesnít mean youíre an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
10. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isnít and office. Itís Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for whatís behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

 

SpicyJokes.com # 247
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:6/12/2001    pub.:6/12/2001
Ranking: 3.70 / 10
 
OR

The following are ways to determine whether a truck is company owned:

1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.

2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on pavement.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.

5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.

6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.

7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.

8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at 20 mph.

9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up.

11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain hubcaps.

12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a mysterious person called "not me".

 

SpicyJokes.com # 246
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:6/12/2001    pub.:6/12/2001
Ranking: 3.45 / 11
 
OR

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

 

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Date created May-17-2001

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