A penguin is driving on a real hot day and suddenly his car starts acting up. He pulls into the first station he sees, and while the mechanic checks the car he goes to the Ice Cream Parlor across the street, and gets a big cone, he makes a big mess with his flippers, there is ice cream all over his face. He walks back across the street to check on his car. He asks the mechanic, " We'll, what does it look like?" The Mechanic replies, " It looks like you have blown a seal." Penguin says, " Oh No! Its ice cream, REALY!!"
Three guys are buying underwear at a store. The first guy goes up to the clerk.
"How many pairs ya need?" the clerk says.
"Three," the first guy says.
"One for wearing, one for washing, and one for special occasions."
The second guy goes up to the clerk.
"How many ya need?"
"One for Sunday, One for Monday, you know."
The third guy thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I like getting attention, maybe I should think of something like that."
"How many do ya need," the clerk says.
"Yeah, one for January, one for February,......."
Sam is on vacation. After the firs day his legs are painfully sunburned, so he goes to a doctor’s office. The doctor examines his legs and says. “Try this.” He hands him a Viagra tablet.
Sam says, “What will this do to help my sunburn?”
The doctor replies, “Nothing, but it’ll keep the sheets off of your legs for a night.”
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! Off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)