A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No. What do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man
"No. What do you mean?Ē says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where the smiling, naked receptionist greets him. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You havenít had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I donít know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says, "Iíve never done this before. I donít know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
A young woman boarded a bus while highly pregnant. She was very conscious about people around her. She noticed a young man looking at her and smiling. She felt humiliated and moved to a different seat, which only broadened the man's smile. She moved again, and on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She complained to the driver, who called the police, and the man was arrested.
When the case came before the court the judge gave the man the opportunity to defend his rude behavior. He explained his action this way: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing that she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming soon: The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one which read 'Sloanís' Liniments Remove Swellings'".
"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving ad which read:
'William Stick Did The Trick'. I'm sorry, but I couldn't control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement which read: 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented this Accident'".
The judge found him not guilty!!!
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!