Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.
Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and the girls don't!
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day
he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the
dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells
him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his
new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to
do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome
before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays
for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed
time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her
parent’s house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have
a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must
do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence
waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck
doing the dishes.
After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed
things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of
her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand
under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a
word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her
in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting
desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is
thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he
gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
Vaseline. The father says, "Okay, okay, I'll do the dishes!"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches...
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice,
but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9- ½ E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."