Jake and Jim are chatting at the beach. Jake asks Jim how come he is always so popular with the women. Jim explains:" I find a big potato and put it down my swim trunks and that’s my secret". A few days later they meet again on the beach and Jake says:" I tried what you said but all they do is look at me in disgust. Jim relies:" Yes, but you are supposed to put it in the front, not the back!!"
A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him. “What’s the matter, little boy?” he asked. “Why are you crying?”
The little boy said, “I’m crying because I can’t do what the big boys do.”
The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at this moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost
went unnoticed. Larry La Pries, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
Produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?")