A guy with a speech impediment --- he stutters – gets a job selling books door-to-door.
On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o’clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.
The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the firs day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o’clock with all the receipts, no books.
This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, “This is truly amazing,” “In a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What’s your sales pitch?”
“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?
Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the owner of a dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John said, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your great loss, you must feel terrible." Then Joe spoke up saying, "Well, I'm not the least bit worried, she was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like a dead fish. Even the first time I got into her she made water faster then anything I had ever seen. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything. But this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town, looking for a good time, asked if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would take a crack at her anyhow. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. It was too much for her and she cracked right up in the middle." At this point, the old lady fainted...
A husband and his wife were driving down the road when a car hit a skunk in front of them, being the humanitarians that they were they stopped picked up the skunk, put him in the back seat because there was a vet right up the rode. They proceeded to the vet when on the way the driver sees police lights in the rear-view mirror, panicking the wife says "what should I do with the skunk,” her husband says "put it up your skirt," his wife questions, but what about the smell? Her husband replies; pinch his nose shut!!!
Story of an Engaged Man
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, without underwear or a bra. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.